So what exactly do you do?

What do you tell the dentist when he asks you what you're doing now that you've graduated from college? You know that you have about 25 seconds to say something before he sticks a metal scraper and a mirror in your mouth, so it had better be a concise statement. I admit, whenever anyone asks me what I'm doing this year, I pause for a few seconds to analyze how much I think they want to hear, and answer accordingly. Most people get the 45 second version, and a few get more details, but the 45 second version is good enough for most.

Occasionally when the tenth person in a row has asked me what I'm doing, I am slightly tempted to get more creative in my answers. Here are some good choices:

"I'm in a Fellows program. They let me in because my name sounds like a boy's."

"Well actually, I joined a cult."

"I can't actually tell you what I do."

I've never been brave enough to try any of these, because the people who ask me what I'm doing are generally nice people, so I just try to give a quick overview of what I do. I have a part time job, I take a couple seminary classes, I work with the youth group, I tutor a 2nd grader once a week, there are 11 other people doing the same thing I am... and yes, I like it. No, I don't know what I'm doing next year.

What is this "real world"?

They tell me that this is training for real life, having small amounts of "free" time and having to budget it very carefully. They say that in the "real world" I will be as busy or even busier.

They tell me that it is good to learn to know lots of people and keep up lots of friendships. But at what cost? Does this mean in real life I'm doomed to having many shallow relationships and none with any depth? It seems that I should just adjust, just do the best I can with the material they give me, with the expectations they have.

I refuse.

I have no desire to perpetuate the American status quo, to continue in the pattern of interactions with people in which there need be no discomfort; poking and prodding need not be tolerated. If someone gets too close or does something painful, we cut off the relationship, we move on to something new. We can always say our feelings have changed or we just don't see the point anymore or it's too painful and we cannot [and need not] take it.

So we stay away from people, we isolate and insulate ourselves, we try to get to know people and form a community, but our pride gets in the way, our habits get in the way, our attitudes get in the way, our time management gets in the way. What time in our busy schedules can we sacrifice to get to know other people?

Look at that last sentence again. Time spent getting to know people is a sacrifice? Yes, it is, this is true. But what does American culture know of sacrifice? Investing in people and truly getting to know their ins and outs is not seen as worthwhile, as something worth pursuing. Building a true community in the fullest sense of the word is rare, even for those with the best of intentions.

How then can we achieve such a thing? How can we make a stand to be different, to truly care for one another and to live out the true [and practical, difficult] meaning of love?

Autumn leaves

Thank heaven it's almost Thanksgiving break. When I heard last year that the fellow's program was crazy and busy, I thought, "you should see how busy my life is right now. I can handle just about whatever you throw at me." Yes, I was extremely busy at the time, and my schedule now it really not any worse than my schedule then, but there is a difference. I am tired this year in ways I was not tired last year.

When I look back at Austin a year ago, I am amazed that she thought she was so old and knew so much. The Austin of now knows that she does not know much, and she knows that she has a long way to go, but the Austin of now is exponentially more excited about life. I wouldn't go back. I don't want to be who I was.

Praise God -- he has brought me to a place where I have the community I never had before, to a place where I can embrace who I am, a place in my life where I allow myself to dream, instead of squelching dreams as impractical.

It's almost Thanksgiving, and I think I could fill up all the time with thankfulness. Yes, there are struggles. No, I'm not perfect -- yesterday I realized a huge chunk of selfishness I'd allowed to creep into the way I approached my classes, and this is but one small example. I'm horribly broken, but there is beauty in the way God works. The autumn leaves are finishing their transformation and dying, but the transformation is heartwrenchingly beautiful. Today I looked out over the mountains and saw the range of colors dotting the mountains and hoped I would never take the beauty for granted.

May we never take true beauty for granted.

In Which the Author Rambles Unforgivably

I really should be in bed. Having been sick for the past few days, it really isn't a good idea to stay up late; the rational side of me knows that the best way to get well is to get lots of sleep, and that should include being in bed by now. But the rational side of me does not always win out, and in this case, I am sipping hot tea and sitting on the floor of my room at my computer, which sits on a tray, typing for a blog that probably no one else reads.

Why?

How much does it matter if anyone else reads this? Right now I'm just enjoying feeling almost well, savoring the taste of Welsh herbal tea, listening to the sound of much-needed rain pattering down. The sound is soothing, like the tea and the hum of the computer fan. Since I've been sick and at home for two days, I have had time to slow down and notice little details that get lost in the whirl of my life here in Charlottesville.

On Monday I am supposed to share my life story with the other Fellows in the program, and perhaps thinking about what I'm going to say has contributed to my thoughtful mood. Days like today make me want to sit and read poetry. They make me wish I knew how to write poetry, but I haven't the faintest idea where to begin. Alas, if only I had read more poetry, if only I had a better grasp on what it is, what is so compelling about it, what makes it different. Of course, I have had English classes, so I know a little bit about poetry, but I don't think I really know much about it. I want to dive in to its world, to experience its beauty, to take in the flavors and smells the poets tried to capture, the emotions and the reflections....

But I am lost. I have no guide to show me the way. And I'm rambling on. Dear reader, if you stumble upon this post, forgive the ramblings of a tired writer.

Can you hear the rain?

Quo vadis?

Quo vadis? I suppose it sounds pretentious to open a post with a Latin phrase, but hang with me; this phrase means "where are you going?" It captures, in three short syllables, what in English it takes us five to say. I also happen to think that this particular question is appropriate for me at this moment, and perhaps for all moments for the rest of my life.

"Where are you going?" How many people today can really answer this question? Can I answer it well? To some extent, no. I do not know what even this day holds, much less where I will be a year from now.

On the other hand, I can answer this question. My hope is that I am headed in a direction that will lead to becoming more and more of who I was originally created to be, the person who will one day be a part of a newly created earth who will be in the presence of God. That's quite a destination!

Questions

Who am I? When transplanted, which of my characteristics come out the most? How do others see me in this new context? What picture do they see of me, what sides of myself are most obvious?

I suppose being transplanted entails a bit of an identity crisis, at least for me. Oh, the crisis is not a terrible one; it is always good to reevaluate, but when moving to a new place where I know no one means that I seek to let people know who I am, and it is interesting to see the ways my personality manifests itself when outside its usual comfortable boundaries.

What interests do I carry over from place to place? What opinions do I bring into a new town? Which of my talents come to the fore, and which of my weaknesses become evident? Perhaps the burning questions for newly-minted "adults": What is my purpose? How am I gifted, and how do I make the most of my strengths? What kind of career should I pursue? What's next?

Life is nicely planned out to a point, but what happens when I get to a bend in the road and the path seems to wind away into the woods where I cannot see far ahead and the way is obscured? What then?